逃避

有时候，我在想。我是不是每天在装快乐。事实上，我每天就是那么不快乐。。当我看到人，我很自然就是更他或者她微笑然后再那里听笑话故事然后就可以大笑。。所有的悲伤就不会在想了。也可能会忘记。。

今晚的话题突然让我想起。。他们说我生气就像一各小炮。你们真的认为我是这样的人。。

其实，心里很多伤心的我每次都藏在心里然后就是受不了的情绪表达出来一些的。有些觉得不是很大的问题就没提，然后，也忘了。可是，我忘了吗？就算我说了出来。有多少个人会陪着你，听你的伤心，听你的哭气。。

事实上，有时后我都很少去理任何人对我的想法。因为，我每次都是用我的真心对待每一个人。你的伤心，我了解。你的快乐，我也了解。。你和我分享，我听着。。

真心的朋友又有多少个。假的朋友数的多了。。谁是真的或者假的，我其实都会看得到的。我只是不说吧了。让我有时很不懂的这么做人。。

虽然，真心朋友不多，辛好我有一个好的妈妈。她总是在我最伤心的时候陪着我，让我好过，安慰我。所以，我觉得我也很辛运了。就算，有时不是每一个问题都能决绝的。我也觉得很幸福。 所以，这一位妈妈肯定是我修来的福气。。没有她，我和我的三个弟弟又会变成什么样得人呢？？

我爱你。妈妈！！一辈子，是你的女儿。。荣幸做你的女儿。。

08.11.2011

life is so fragile

i feel at times, im really childish.. y i always end up feeling so sad over things that isnt so material at all.. y i always take such a small things ending up like such a big matter.. i shud try to c things in a more wider view instead looking it like a very very small view.. life isnt bout love, which we all thinks everyday such as waiting for a prince charming or anyone.

life is about love the person we care.. care bout the person that we still can. cherish the person when he or she is still living n breathing the air with us. call the person jus to say Hello. tell the person that to always love n take care of urself. reminded them that to always stay healthy. even, we wont b seeing the person like everyday. but, we will always wish him the best n healthy always..

last9, my mother finally told me that our uncle had jus passed away last monday, 19 september, 2011. eventhough, i cannot seem to remember how he looks like. but, i feel sorry. i was having bad mood of my stupid hair.. somehow, i have been living in this little stupid room once again. that i dint noticed that other stuffs is much more serious.. now, to think bout my grandmother. i realli feel sorry for her.. i feel so sad whenever i think of her suffering like this. i feel like crying whenever i think of it.. she is an old woman now. n to c her sons n daughter to leave this world earlier than her. this is a very very sad sad moment.. i dont noe wat wud really happen to me either to c my loves one to leave me like this.

i jus wished my grandma can be alright.. n all i cud think of.. i wud realli persuade my dad n mum to drive back to sibu after i finished my exam. i do not care whether i feel comfy or not. i jus wanted to c her. i wanted to c whether she is alright.. at least, my mum has the chance to c her n spend some time with her brothers too.. life is too short to wait.. live well n cherish so that we wont live regretly..

-24.09.2011-

心受伤了。。

今天晚上终于遇到他和那个女人。 他说他和一斑朋友一起去看戏。 他跟我说去那边看戏，会让他的心情不好。而且，那边的戏院很老压。他叫我回去看。他的理由就是这样。。而我相信他的话。也随便的让他。 可是，今晚，他看的戏就是在我之前都一经跟他说好了。所以，这个就成为我的理由，生气他了。不想看到他了。不想和他说话了。也取消明天晚上的晚餐。也让我一整个晚上忍着。忍忍了到我回家，也要快乐。到了房间就不能停着哭了。结果，还是要被妈妈发现我的痛苦。我的伤心。我的心有碎了。

我的心又受伤了。。我的心已经很久没那么痛。先在又感觉了。让我又哭了。。为什么？？我已经都关了。关了。。可是为什么还是那么痛。。今晚就让我哭吧。。一直的哭哭吧。。所以，我可以忘记一切。。这次回来就是那么伤心。。哭了，也累了，也倦了，。。放弃。眼睛也黑了。都快变熊猫呢。。所以，要努力所以才对的起你的父母弟弟还有你自己。。

08。09。2011

the returning back to kl

b4 my returning to kl, i was celebrating efan's birthday. its been a long time i help him celebrating. last year, only me n him went to eat. then, think wat join us later. this year, we have dinner at coco with think wat n cindy. omg the best pizza, the best chicken wing, i dont like the steak at all. the meat seems to be so hard n not watery bit at all. therefore, i prefer the side order.. then later, i was in a very hard decision whether to stay or leave, as i cant seem to get any answers from adrian they all whether to meet at where. i was being scolded as the lousiest OC. haha.. then we end up goin to rexbox again.. n i bought an indulgement chocolate cake for efan. i was so nervous. unable to sing. unable to find my voice. unable to find myself comfortable whenever i saw him. i try to calm myself. haha.. i feel like im having my final exam whenever i saw him. so funny.. all those feelings that i had that night, is like facing the final exam. i felt my face is hot. but, anyway.. luckily everyone still having a good time. haha.. the birthday boy directly become so active when he saw them. haha.. b4 that, he was like a dead fish. keep on playing his fb only or msn. haha.. we have fun until 2am. the rest, have fun until overtime. i cant stay any longer. as i have an early flight back to kl once again. n unable to find anyone to pick me up. after being ngam by my parents. i have no choice to make a last minute sms to desmond to pick me up. n luckily, he able to fulfil my favour by delaying his appointment an hour later. n thank god for that.

This morning was my flight back to KL from Miri. leaving Miri at 10am. Thinking that i only able to be back home on the month of August. Thinking that i only can be with my mum n dad on the month of August. addition, listening to the secret garden songs again. wow, i feel sentimental. i feel unbearable to let go. i feel do not want to go back kl. i wanna stay put.. feel so sad. i cry n cry whenever i think bout it.. my tears was running down towards my cheeks. i had to clear it with my hands cos i forgot to take tissue with me. thank god, i brought sunglasses with me, so i can cover my red eye.. haha..

Later, when the plane had fly me up to the sky, i was sitting on the side of the window. it was such a long time ago that i had sit beside a window. n i realised that, i never noticed b4 that how beautiful is the world up there. therefore, i taken some pics on top of the sky, where so many clouds around. as i see, its the
most beautiful beautiful nature beauty that i ever seen. it was blue sky, white clouds with all kinds of different shapes. it sooths me. it was so beautiful. i feel like this is how the heaven muz look a like. it reminds me of the place where Hercules's parents stayed on the heavens. i feel like im somewhere there, where part inside me i can fly around, where i cud seat n where i cud stay.. its jus beautiful..

whenever i went to swim, i always look on top of the skies.. i feel, if i cud able to c it, within it. n wat wud i find? beauties.. so, i always look deep n deeper. i only found it fascinating n pretty. but now, i found it looks like soft white pillow, where i cud lie on it. where i cud sleep so peacefully. where i cud jump around like playground. i jus feel like its the most wonderful place around. n it mayb the most quiet place to rest. haha.. n thats me. i love to look at pretty things. n i love to sleep, love to eat, love to play..







03.07.2011

the 5th day back in miri

today is the 5th day in miri.. n the first gang frens that i had met is adrian they all. n this is all efan's fault.. haha.. but, im glad to c them n of course feeling excitement n scary to c them either. i can felt that night, i feel my hand cannot stop shaking.. n i noe wat's goin on. im scared to c him again, eventho i feel very curious how he had been all these months time. i feel there's a small fate between us, whenever i come back.. he's the first person among all my frens that will bump into me. the last time, i tot i wont be seeing him again during cny.. he's the first guy i bump into when im back in miri, n now.. if isnt efan to make me go for the gathering. he is still the first guy that i bump into.. cos i met him in parkson.. so, is this a small fate..

then, both of my arms now starting to itch.. i think its really the stupid lotion fault.. damn. now i deserve an itch.. my thigh is oso itching but its not worse than both my arms.. another week time, i'll be having my exams soon.. i feel like omg!!! but, still at times i feel like im slacking.. my goodness.. as my hair stops dropping now.. i feel happy d.. u will not know how i feel during in kl. i lose tons of hair everytime.. i feel so scary.. =( n now coming back, i have to buy all sorts of hair tonic to rescue my hair..

anyway, have to force myself go back to study d.. dont think too much oso..


29.05.2011

9 more days

today's date is 15th of may. there will be 9 more days to go that i'll be heading home.. so wishing that i will be home now. but the problem is going home means exam is coming soon.. n sometime, it is so annoying to think bout it. i feel like i have not prepare enough, n I'm going home.. this feeling of me right now, is really like those Japanese soldiers are heading to war very soon.. planning n how to fight this war. if, they cannot win, how r they going to go back n face their families and their countries.. n that is what I'm thinking right now.. i have not prepared enuf.. n i feel I'm hanging just there. i feel stress. n time is flying fast, n I'm helpless.. its like, its not enuf.. i feel shitty. n here I'm writing blog to express myself.

at times, i feel like doing something, which i do not feel like doing. but, to think once again. its not worth. cos what i wanted to do, its a definite wasting my time more n more than i can ever bear. so, how stress, how shitty, how in-tolerate i am to myself, i will just to have bear it and continued on my studies and revision..

this time, i really put more effort than what i had in my previous times. but, i know that it still not enough, cos i feel like i just cannot stick all the information into my head. to think about it, i feel like i am going crazy at times.. because i will not fail again. I'm no longer working. I have more time than i have compared to previously. n to think again, i do not know where my time had gone too..

life sucks n sucks n sucks...


-15.05.2011-

my last F4 class

today was my last class with my teacher.. all of my years, i hardly can feel so close with my teacher.. even now, there are some of the teachers, i dont feel the sincere of buying them a card. but just her, who gave me such a heart that i never have a teacher that can make me feel so motivated n gratitude of wat she had given me.. i usually feel negative at times.. when i feel so stupid n not as clever.. but, she jus motivated us n never give up on us.. she's really did her best n put in real effort on us.

but, wat had happened today, is the best funniest sincere day of my life. im not sure, wat the others are thinking. but, its wat myself thought too. at least, i noe i have the heart of making everyone laughin at times when i get to noe u more better.. n this is wat happen today.. haha.. today, is my last class for my F4, business law with my teacher, Ms Kemalatha. i never feel or anything to buy anything special for my teacher all these time.. n she's my first teacher, that i sincerely wanted to let her noe that i care, n i appreciate n feel gratitude of wat she had provide for us.. n i thanked her for this semester. i bought her a card of thank you. its not expensive, but its a sincere from me n my classmates, as they wanted to join in either. therefore, i gave her as our sincere.

today onwards, it will be my motivation n a memory of happiness.. but, anyway. i cant believe wat i had did, but it sort of automatically out of nowhere.. she forgotten one last important topic to us.. but, she couldnt say out.. n i sort of automatically, pointing to my teacher n i said.. i noe... n i blurted out half pointing n say its termination of agency.. haha.. n she was like in shock smilin at me n said yes, termination of agency.. haha.. n all of the class are like laughing.. haha.. my fren, amy. she said i shud put my other hand on my hips n pointing tat will be adorable.. haha..

n i cant stop smiling when i walk back from school. cos i feel happy. n i feel sad too, that the class is ending jus like this.. but still its the most wonderful subjects tat i ever been thru.. haha.. XD


-07.05.2011-

beauty colour of the skies

wat do i love most, being here? the time when i got back from school around 6sth.. or when i was inside the pool. then, the temperature of the water in the pool is warm.. or floating on top of the pool to feel the wind blowing my face. looking at the colour of the sky is the mixture of blue yellow orange red.. the angelic birds flying on top of you.. n hearing the sound of the wind n my hair flying over here n there. breathing really hard with the air all around me. if i ever owned myself the swimming pool. i would have light all the candles all around the pool.. it feels so so specially romantic. n drinking wine chit chatting, enjoying the views, stars all around.. haha..

this is jus one of a picture which i upload as an example to describe bout my feelings for it.. to watch skies colour with the wind blowing on ur face, is jus jus so much temptation of relaxation n the feeling or romantic being with urself. but, of course.. if its possible being together with the person that you love, it wud be much more appreciate n grateful.

how long, can we really enjoy in this world. there's always not much time for us, human to really c how much beautiful is the world to us. we are jus like a visitor to them, even tho we are borned in this place. but our age cud no longer reach more than 100. its a very seldom sums for ppl to able to live this long. therefore, we shud always cherish the time we have n remember it that we enjoyed n cherish watever we had. romantic, sadness, happiness, cruelty n etc is just what we had to go thru.

-05.05.2011-

in the mood of love***

these 2 days, my feelings of after watching "Lost in Austen", is really increasing my mode of love so badly. i feel so touch by the love in the stories. i cried so much of their love for each other. this is called Love.. i believe one day i'll always find my own prince charming.. haha.. but, unfortunately i dont think my prince charming is even exists in this world.. i feel like its somewhere somewhere far far n mostly it will always only going to be found in the stories where it will happened only in the hundred years ago.. cos those centuries, the guys will be only have the heart of loyalty, sincere, courteous, n love..

when i was young, i read lots lots of love stories bout life of centuries ago. living in the lives of where they sells cattles, being the thieves, living so freely in the forest, time travel, n etc.. the books that caught my attention is always the part of time travel where the modern gal was bring back to the past by this ghost to save another man from making mistakes tat he is goin to make.. in the beginning, its always the curiousity, untrustable of the man about the woman, then the expression of madness, angry, different of opinions, then the understanding, caring and love in the end..

i always love the character of the man inside the story book.. it is always describe with the guy has a broad shoulder, handsome, hardworking, powerful, able to protect a woman from danger. sometimes, the character of the man can be such playboy, but when it comes to the time of meeting the woman that he wants, he's heart only turns toward her. it is also another way round where the man is known as the lord, where he is a gentleman, serious, courteous, respectability for every woman.

whereas the character of a woman carries the description as pretty and beautiful, with a nice body, the perfect dress code, the way their hair works, n the way their behave.. its so much unlike where now the societies works.. n its amazing. sometimes, i myself would feel that i love the life inside the story books better.. n if only i know how to write, if only my English is better, if only im good in imagination stories.

but the part that always make me feel so sweet, so so much in love is when the man finally admits his love affection towards her, when he can no longer hold back his love for her. n being the stupid pig who only realized his love for her had been growing each day by day. n only get to realized it, when he is going to lose her. but, when he confess, he proposed with such a lovely words that it just carve in it to u.. " I LOVE YOU " what twilight stories of the vampire n human, the angel n human, i think the best love story in the end, is still the love human between human?

"not one heart beat had i forget" such a lovely words that it burned my heart so badly till i cry with tears beginning to drop when he written the note for her. where he grab the paper so strong during his sleeps, scared that he will lost her forever.. it so so romantic. i feel like i can just keep on watching n watching the movie non stop. i feel like living inside the stories more than in the realistic world. i feel like reading my story book non stops too.. n in the end, when he smiles at her. no more the angry expression, no more quarrel. it is just the best, the sweetest, the happiest love story ever.. i loved it. i wanna thank you my room mate, helena for letting me to watch this love story. its the best ever type of love story book. n it made me fall in love with the stories..


-01.05.2011-

colbie cailat - falling for u**

oh my, this song is somehow reminds me of the feelings i once had not long ago, since such many years. n this feelings really are into me so badly.. i wont and will not goin to deny it.. its so meaningful and sweet. i love the music n the lyrics. cos somehow its a message towards myself to him. but, since things like this wont b happening at all. then, i might as well jus take it easy. as long, we are still frens. i dont mind cos im not desperate any how, eventho, i finally found one special person into my life.

but, i always believe the word "fate" as to force someone to be in a relationship with u somehow seems cheap n desperate. im neither one of it.. n being single doesnt mean its such a sad life either. somehow, it mayb fun either. as u able to look at so many kinds of guys which u never met b4..

I don't know, but I think I may be fallin' for you
Droppin' so quickly, maybe I should keep this to myself
Wait until I know you better

I am tryin' not to tell you, but I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hidin' what I'm feelin'
But I'm tired of holdin' this inside my head

I've been spendin' all my time just thinkin' 'bout you
I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waitin' all my life, and now I found you
I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

As I'm standin' here, and you hold my hand
Pull me towards you, and we start to dance
All around us, I see nobody
Here in silence, it's just you and me

I am tryin' not to tell you, but I want to
I'm scared of what you'll say
So I'm hidin' what I'm feelin'
But I'm tired of holdin' this inside my head

I've been spendin' all my time just thinkin' 'bout you
I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waitin' all my life, and now I found you
I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you

Oh, I just can't take it, my heart is racin'
Emotions keep spinnin' out

I've been spendin' all my time just thinkin' 'bout you
I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you
I've been waitin' all my life, and now I found you
I don't know what to do, I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you, I think I'm fallin' for you

I can't stop thinkin' 'bout it, I want you all around me
And now I just can't hide it, I think I'm fallin' for you
I can't stop thinkin' 'bout it, I want you all around me
And now I just can't hide it, I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you, oh, oh, oh, no, no, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, I'm fallin' for you

sumtyms, being here. i really feel like a small little gal. i really wish i cud change my age. change into a younger gal once again.. haha.. how envy of those young gals.. n so many good looking n adorable guys.. haha.. i feel so bad.. yes! yes!! i noe bout it. thats y, there's an emotion called self control.. haha.. u control ur feelings. but, guess it never will occured to me that i'll get attracted to the young guy here.. my goodness! i feel so awful.. haha.. oh, i somehow.. i only remember wondering how strong will his arm be.. he's such a good swimmer.. so strong n fast. hehe... now i really even such slut now.. haha.. but, since guys oso born to look at gals.. so y cant gals too. n im jus looking anyway, its not like i'll be dating him.. i'm still conscious of my own age.. haha..

but, to say again. to date kl guys is a dangerous step.. the guys here is not really the type that will suit me either.. im a old fashion type of gal.. still nt too old.. haha.. i love healthy guys. i love broad shoulder guys. i love a guy can make me laugh too. i love to have lots of conversation with him. i love to have so much things which u will be very very hard to find. so, mayb tats y i always end up having rotten relationship. a guy who doesnt smoke, but drinks n broad shoulders, horny, flirting with every gals. then, a guy who is non smoking, non drinking, skinny, then a very terrifying father who always looking at u with the eyes of money. then a guy who drinks n smoke n wasting money, n thinks like a kid. n his fren, a guy who is healthy n workaholic n single n healthy who is not bad either (but he's more likely a kl guy since he's been studyin here n working here) another guy who is healthy, non smoker, non drinker n a broad shoulder, he's perfect. but he's jus not mine. haha.. then a fren, who i think he mayb take me as a replacement of his last gf.. n no matter how good he treated me. i have to cxl him out too. cos he smokes, n drinks n im not the person to replace ur last gf. as, i never will take anyone as his replacement, eventho how good is the person.. mayb to think now. i may regret but i still i leave it to fate. lastly, a guy who is a stranger, barely know him is oso a fren too..

sometimes, i feel like i have so many guys in my life. its enjoying to tok bout it at times.. but mostly, im jus hoping to enjoy life now.. all i really care more.. i miss my daddy, my mummy, my 3 brothers.. i miss them till i feel so lonely at times.. seeing my classmates go back to be with their family every weekend, is the best moment.. n that is the moment, i really feel even more envy..

time, is flying fast. i can sniff the route of goin home soon.. cos being here.. 1 month is wat.. there's no more called enuf time. cos time is never enuf at all, when it comes to work, study, love, cleaning, eating, exercising, n etc... give me the power of controlling over time time time.. n freeze it the moment i says freeze..

.

wat a dinner?!

tonight, can say is the best dinner.. i had my dinner at this enquiry kitchen, in pyramid. i gotten to eat tofu, chicken, long bean vege, lian-o soup n a fried dumplings.. oh such a nice dinner. n summore another dessert of green tea icecream.. ooo soo nice.. olright, i noe its fat. but, nevermind lar. once a while. (im dieting, swimming directly starting tomolo) y?! because my relatives came here for business trip.. so, they came over n look for me to take me out for dinner.. seeing them here, i feel so happy too. its almost like looking at my parents n sisters.. the feelings are so so nice n warm.. n how i wish my parents are here too.. n mayb i'll cry again.

but, anyway i was feed with 1.2bowl of rice.. n the vege n chicken, dumpling.. they keep putting all the foods into my plate.. my goodness.. haha.. but, it was nice.. n its like so suddenly, the whole night i feel like i cant stop talking.. n listening them toking bout my parents in miri there.. i feel so excited to noe more bout their activities.. haha.. n then some of the news tat happenned in miri.. haha.. then, we tok bout how old tat we are growing. n everyone is goin to their separate lives sooner.. summore, my cousin is goin to be marry soon.. his wedding will be held on the september 9th.. i wonder, wonder.. will i be coming back? im still not sure.. cos around that month.. i mayb having exam seasons once again.. n i get to be reminded im old by my cuzzie.. okay thats bad.. coming here, i really trying to hide my age.. as its really making feel so old d. haha.. i only get to be a little younger when im with my frens together.

i wish to go home sooner.. but, goin home means, i have to face lots of stress.. rite now.. there's another 5 more weeks to go that i'll face my real final exams.. as my good teacher is reminding us everyday whenever we attended her class.. she's good in nervous my body system.. n im very scare n worry that i'll disappoint my parents.. so, im in such a very nervous n excited moment.. its like im stuck.. how i wish i can freeze time.. to be home to c my parents but dont feel like goin home to face exams..

The night out..

last month, i stayed home mostly without goin anywhere besides jus forcing myself study n study until i feel sick.. plus like i said i injured my leg because of wearing high heels.. therefore, unable to swim or any exercise.. so, i became lazy n feeling fat.. cos i ate a lot of junk food.. for my revision period. i was in stressed moment. n jus today, i finally found out. when u are "STRESSED" wat should you do to less down ur STRESSED... well, y dont u try to spell "stressed" backwardly n u will noe the answer? haha..

anyway, last sat.. i went out with my frens, wee ai n ava. i tot i'll be only meeting the 2gals. i dint realised we are meeting john n trey too. noone told me bout we are hanging out the night.. i ended up dressing nicely, but its wat i like to wear for now. a long sleeve green colour, with a purple scarf with me, n a short pants plus slippers.. i think its quite casual n nice, n i loved it. but, with john together. i'll always get teased n being made fun around, no matter wat.. he hold my scarf n said he has such expensive dog to carry around. haha.. but, i was happy tho. n that night, i felt like i cant stop laughing too. hmmm.. wondering, issit because i eaten too much chocolate cake.. b4, hanging out with my frens.. i was getting emotional, because somehow, i started to think of home. thinking of my mum, i really miss her a lot.. thinking of my dad. i miss him too. but, thinking of him, it stressed me out too.. n all i can think of, i have to faster finish n pass with good grades.. n all i felt is the burden within me, inside me. n i feel bit torturing too.. i feel like im stuck inside me.. but, luckily, that night my fren takes me out.. n its always will lighten most of my heart. i felt so happy being with them...

these pictures had been taken for quite few years ago n it was on my birthday... haha.. i think, i may needed a new group photo picture to be taken once again. when all of us are able to gather once again.. i really missed the old times..









wee ai is a person who sumtyms, i felt comfortable to be hang out. she can be sarcastic at times, n a lioness who will slowly catch her prey... n u wont even noe when u r dead on her hands. haha.. as long u dont step on her tail, u will be fine.. haha.. but, deep deep down inside her heart. she has a lovely n caring heart for her family, frens n especially animals... n she's definitely a animal lover..

ava is a person who i think is the most intelligent gal. she's very motivated n very ambitious too. but, she's not as fierce as wee ai. but, when she is really angry.. well, she can be very direct n u r dead on the spot.. she loves cats more than dog. but, still she ended buying a dog instead of a cat, as (jokes: she tot the pekinese dog was a cat) haha..

john is a very humour guy.. eventho, he loves to bully n tease me. i noe inside of his heart. he takes care of me too.. haha.. he seems to noe wat happen to me. n surprisingly, he will buy the protection of leather liners for my high heels so i wont injured my leg once again. haha.. but, it was his partner who gave it to me.. but, eventho.. he mayb wat i think he is.. he's a good fren n a good brother too. he's the type of a very socialise ppl.. to me, i think he's social network is really very very wide.

efan is a guy who u can ask for advise too.. n he's a guy who loves to travel around n without notifying ppl one.. n when he does.. it will be like a last minute. n u will feel like hitting him more often for not telling u earlier.. haha.. he's a great fren n another brother too.. haha

as for ting huat or as i love to call him as matrix. which i forgotten wat is the reason behind this. but, it has been my nickname for him since we started to be frens.. haha.. this guy, is oso like a brother to me. but then, since he has married. we cannot be as close anymore. cos it seems to create jealousy n hatred between his wife to me.. n because of that, i hardly dare to hang out with him unless, all my gang frens are here with me.

siew ling, is a fren which i known as the quiet one n the intelligent gal too. but, now she's married to kang yang n now oso with a new baby gal. a new life has created for her.. n i happy for her.

yoke fong, well.. she's known as our big sister. but, due to her quarrel with wee ai during the uni's problem. our gang is kind of split.. the 4 of us, wee ai, siew lin, yoke fong n myself, we have been sisters since prime college. now, we sort of less hanging out in together.. but more to individualism.. well, she oso has changed, n changes into a much pretty gal now.. at least, she starts to take caring of herself..

all of these frens had been with me n it almost a decade now.. n i felt happy too. true frens are really hard to find nowadays.. im glad, i've founded them. eventho, i ended up gettin bully or teasing by them. i felt happy. cos deep deep down inside my heart. everyone is always take caring of me. i jus feel like a small sister to them. oh well, im still the youngest in the gang. but, except for ting huat.. haha.. eventho, im older than him. he always wanting to act more mature than me. well, i'll jus give him one credit, as he has an earlier marriage than me. haha.. anyway, the night out with them.. its always the most happiest time. i can be more like myself.. plus its so funny when they tell me that i had been stayed in jailed. wee ai tell john that she bring me out last week.. then john says, u bring her eat is ching ming. but the night, that he bring me out, is ghost festival.. haha..

Flowers

i have always wanted to tok bout flowers for so long.. because flower is the most beautiful nature in the whole world.. flowers brings pleasure, happiness, and it beautifies the nature with their own colours.. last but not least, it brings meaningful of joyous to us, human beings, no matter we are rich or poor. we able to decorate the our places with flowers. the pictures that i have uploaded is known as the flowering waterfall n it is also the most beautiful flower nature that i ever seen.. it was fwd by my father. n i really loved it.. Sometimes, the reason y i love to go travelling.. its had always been the environment, the nature of flowers n trees, the buildings.. but most importantly, it had always been the colours of the world..

Looking at the flowers cheers me up. it calms my heart with the feeling of being cool, loving, n sweet. it makes me feel like dancing, running around it, lying down on it.. n it is the only time when i feel beautiful, girlish, free, n healthy. but of course, timing muz always be right.. i remember the time, i was in perth.. it was the season of autumn to spring. where the flowers are all growing. the weather is still bit cool cool not to hot. n it was the most beautiful time that i had ever seen. n that is where i start to realised that i started to take photos of myself with flowers next to me.. n my brothers who never understands love to critisize me n forbid me taking photos again with the flowers.. as from that moment on, i always love to take photos with flowers. haha..

the flowers that i fallen in love with are tulips. the first time, that i seen a gal gotten her birthday for tulips.. i had fallen in love with tulips. it was white colour. it was so sweet.. i do not noe the meaning of tulips like as roses which shown the love of a guy to a gal. to me, i guessed i wud still prefer tulips. cos its white colour of petal beautifies of the heart and it is pure as an angel. n the colour of its leafs are long n green that shows how young u r. n there's no thorn at all.. sumtyms, i wud imagine myself having 8 tulips of flowers. n wearing white dresses..walking around the beaches taking photos.. haha..

-05.04.2011-

A Sweet Home

Sometimes, i feel so tired n tired being here.. because i cannot longer feel the feeling of wat is home now.. it almost feels like ages staying here without family staying by urside.. i really miss home now. A home is a home where i can stay comfortable, happy, tidiness.. a place where u dont feel disgusted because u do clean up everyday. u clear all the dusts, the toilets, the dishes, the floor, n everything.. n i miss all of it.. n where u will save all the electricity bills. n where u can seated on the sofa with the people that u care so badly, watching movies together, or chit chatting or anything.. Besides that, u get to do the cooking n eat somethin which we called as nourishment.. i happened 2be missing all of that now.. The things around here is not always as cozy n happy either.. sometimes, i feel so disappointed n unbearable.. i cant find anyone to nag bout the problems of our environment, the house, everything. My parents always teach me how to be helpful, n tidy up the place around.. n yeah, i feel like i had been doin that for almost few months now. im tired n gettin very tired. therefore, i do not want to care anymore. i do not want to bother anymore.. n this had created a habit of letting it to be like this. n now the place has become so disgusted n i no longer feel like doin anything or cooking or anymore.. everyone has limit.. n my limit is done.. rite now is 730pm, im still in schol writing blog. im tired n my head hurts a lot too. n still i dont feel like goin home. summore, im stressing here, because i had been watching movies n playing like 4days now.. n i feel like i dint bother to study at the moment. so, im stressing.. my mock exam is on the end of april.. n i feel like i not yet started my revision again.. i can feel the tension around me everyday.. n its growing n growing..

-05.04.2011-

the feelings..

all my life, i never understand the feeling of worrying.. as, i never seem to understand that y my parents always concern bout me. where am i? wat kind of frens that im hanging out with? asking me all sorts of questions which i feel like " pls stop asking me, already! " i tot i always noe wat im doin. but, seems like. no matter how old u have grown, 30, or 40 or 50.. u will never stops become their little babies.

n i finally understands this now. i started to realise this feelings of my parents towards me or my brothers towards me. caring , worrying over u. n because of this, they will scold u. shout at u. n i feel like i no longer feel sad anymore, when they scold me.. n to9 gettin scolded by my dad for my stupid naive that i had.. i feel bad n worried bout my consequences.. n yes, mayb he had loud voice on me to9.. i feel bad but i understand wat is he tryin to tell me.

but, when i later received an sms from him, i was in shocked. cos he wud never admit if he toks bit harsh.. im not sure.. but, he tells me that he dint mean to tok such loud voice me. he is jus tryin to tell me the fact bout my doings is very dangerous n its not secure at all. n i noe he is right. i feel bit touch n wanted to cry. haha.. cos i noe my dad always cared for me the most compared to my brothers.. but, we hardly really communicate too. cos sumtyms, there's jus nth to tok bout. but, mayb my leaving miri is a start to realise the importance of family..

n now being the eldest here.. i noe wat's the feeling of take caring of the ppl u starting to care n worry bout.. haha.. n i starting to remember bout my parents.. n i finally understands now.. haha.. but, all these feelings have to be stop at the moment.. as, if i dont stop.. i think i may go crazy.. i cannot think too much anymore, as i have so many things tat i need to worry. i cannot keep on continuing to worry bout more than i have now.. cos i can feel the burden which is increasing n increasing on me..

but, still i had one incredible breakfast for the day.. my room mate n i take an early walk to pyramid jus to grab Mc D's breakfast at 830am. such an early morning to go to pyramid. cos, we can buy RM5 to get free 2breakfast meals.. eggs, burger, hash brown** yummy yummy!! we have to be fast b4 the queue is very very long.. cos she had an early class. n i had an exam in the noon.. i need to be in the library whole morning.

n finally finishin my 2nd progress test that i had.. eventho, i think i may not do so well. but, i still can feel the hope within me. im sure, i able to do well in the mock exam. as, i will keep on putting more effort until finals.. im not the type so easily give up especially on my studies.. haha. mayb sumtyms, i may jus nag around by simply saying to let go. but, study is study.. study is never give up. if give up, means lose future..

lastly, i feel so bad too. as i cant believe this year.. i seem to forget my family member's birthday.. i never had such a forgetful mind on my family member's birthday. but, this year.. i seem to forget n i need someone's phone call to remind me.. oh dear!! im such a bad daughter, sister..

but, i miss my family as always..

-31.03.2011-

earth hour

today, is oso a day for me to take my time to really swim. as, i havent been swimming for almost a week plus now, since i injured my leg.. n it started to recover. n because i had eaten too much food inside my stomach without burning all the fats for like almost few days now.. summore, today i had my lunch at bout 3 together with my housemates. we went to eat McD?! haha.. i've ordered a double Mc chicken deluxe.. really OMG!! haha.. but, now. i really think. its not worth to even ordered the double burger. it quite expensive.. yeah, it sort of have 2 pieces burger. but, its small size. if, u really made the comparison. the normal Mc chicken deluxe it has bigger size.

that's why, i have to force myself swim.. n i did. i swim 8laps with 35mins.. haha.. it was cool.. swimming is fun, seeing all those cute little kids.. how adorable they are..

anyway, 2hours and half ago.. my housemates n i were switching off our lights.. to enjoy an hour of earth hour. then, we were lighting all our rooms n units with candle lights everywhere.. it was such beautiful n sweet n of course romantic moments too.. that get us thinking of having it another time during mooncake festival.. haha..

then, later around midnight.. the whole building went out of electricity.. im not sure, whether the owner of the building oso wanna play earth hour. n we ended up playing the 2nd time. while this time, its like so worst. cos we wanted to sleep. n it happenned jus like this. summore, there's no wind at all.. sooo hot.. i d oledy went to take 2nd bath.. haha.. but, luckily, the electricity got back jus in time. n we finaaly ZZzzzz... XD

-26.03.2011-

wat a dream?! wat a day?!

in my life, i never dream sth so special.. all my dreams are always being chased by bad ppl, killers, ghosts.. n i have to run away to save my life. n sumtyms, suddenly, my hand was being hold n run together for our lives too.. so, all my life, i have actually been running. but running from who?

but, jus yesterday.. Oh my?! being here for almost 3 months now. mayb because i hardly eat real food.. or mayb i havent truly enjoyed food as compared to last year. as now, i only jus simply eat light meal.. cereal, fruits, biscuit, milo.. of course sumtyms, dinner. i'll cook fried mee hun, or mayb bread. it the cheapest n able to save money too. n i dreamed bout food.. haha.. its like all kinds of food.. C... i told u its special.. i dont believed anyone ever dreamed food b4, except me. haha..

i dreamed a very very popular chef guy who cooks all the wonderful smells n delicious food. n i was there to help him taste the food. or shud i say sort of eating all the food. haha.. i really used my chopsticks eating every of the food. haha.. so yummy. i remember got fried rice, n mayb fish. but, the dream is like so fast. n i cant really remember most of it except im eating..

n the day has come.. i never realised i eat non stop for the day. i woke up n eaten one bowl of oatmeal. later, goin classes.. teacher gave us 15mins break. i felt hungry once again. i go buy 'hot n roll" omg! the cheese n ham, costs RM3.90.. really so tasty n yummy.. i m a food loyalty. once, i loved the food. i will definitely have to eat it at least once a week.. haha.. everytime, i eat this food. i wud have to blame my other classmates. cos she's the one who introduce me the food.. its fattening. they put ham on the savoury paratha/ n cheese, onion, mayonaise.. so. tell me?! haha.. FAT rite? =D but, i loved it.

later on, i had to go back home. as i no longer feel like staying in the school library for the day. as, im tryin to avoid this annoying classmates which i started to hate her.. she's really driving me crazy.. but, it felt so good to be cruel the other day to her.. she's too dramatic.. all, she had given me are problems n its like trying to used u.. anyway, during classes i feel so frustrated when her stupid mobile jus never stops ringing or sms.. she's jus not the person to wanting to study.. n summore, crying n crying.. n i jus dont want to care anymore.. its always her problem with the boyfren.. the boyfren was an arse.. the guy even slaps her, calls her bitch or sluts. u tell me, is that guy worth to be with for the future. i told her, but she doesnt want to listen. so, i dont wanna care anymore. anyway, i cud hear her sniff** for the whole period. she's the person who loves to skip class n critisise the teacher's teaching of not good yet wanting to borrow notes from u n she loves to lie to create stories to get ur sympathise.. she is so smilar to my fren, which i used to hang out when i was in secondary schol.. i cant deal with this type of ppl anymore. tokin bout her increase my angriness.

so, reaching home.. i felt like grabbing sth to eat.. n i think of the mee hun once again.. haha.. i go make simple mee hun. i heaten the mee hun. n i fill bit oil into my plate mix with soy sauce n then i turned the mee hun like kolo mee hun n of course i put some bean sprout. n guessed wat, it turned out to be so delicious.. n i ate that at 4sth.. at 9sth.. my housemate got back, she said she was hungry.. so, i made her another bowl of simple mee hun. sumhow, i feel like eating it. n i made another bowl so, i can shared the food with my other housemates too.. who noes later on, my room mate. she dont want to eat when i made the mee hun. n she starts to nag she's hungry later on. my korean housemate starts to made us fried rice, kim chii.. oh MY?! its very delicious.. haha.. n we ate at 12midnight.. so, now.. i feel like omg!! im FAT. cos i have been eating whole day..

today, waking up in the morning.. it was a beautiful day.. n i guessed i dream sth. but, i cant remember. cos when they ask me bout the date n month. i said isnt now is the month of april.. haha..

what a day?!

-24.03.2011-

terrifying imaginations

oh my! i cant sleep last9, after viewing my ex colleague's wedding dinner pictures. really feel so weird to c both of this couple to marry. anyway, jus blessed them, eventho this colleague of mine doesnt deserve to be blessed for wat she had done. but, they seem so happy. n yet i feel slightly jealous n how i wish i can find that smiles too. =) n hoping to b confident in my next relationship. but, there's always a phobia in a relationship. because i cud never able to think positive on my next relationship ever again.

yes, i will always end up admiring happy couples. blessed them. n wishing the same for myself. n wud really think in marrying to the guy that i like, n vice versa. but, this jus wont happened anymore. as, im no longer special. i felt my innocent love was oledy taken away 6 or 7yrs ago. all i felt is unsecured love now. i do not dare to love. but, there's still left a small small love n little hope inside me. but tat doesnt mean i'll go into relationship with the guy that i like either. because, to really love a guy is really a risk. i wud still feel unsecure n how long it will take me to recover once again..

later on, toking bout weddings to efan.. n this guy, oooo.. feels like slapping him d. he starts to remind me like, i was wanted by a guy, but i rejected him.. n i forgotten bout 'him'. n i said who? he starts to give me a hint, as i dont like anyone speaking of his name anymore. he starts writing his named as MR. P? i was like who.. n he started writing bout the dream that i had bout MR. P, few nights ago.. i was bit blur, later on, it hitted me. i end up burst up laughing.. the way he named him as MR P. sounds like mr teddy bear.. haha.. n its definitely very euuu.. cos he never seems to be a teddy bear. but more of a terrifying n a failure. n how cud ever a gal wud fall for him.

y i wud evaluate him like this? for a guy, to be sincere in love. yes, i give him a credit. but, its almost like a decade d. i moved on now, eventho it took me 5yrs. n y cant he? he is always in the same old situations over n over again. drinking, smoking, very big tummy, long hair, gold rings, gold necklace, bracelet. oh my?!

ppl evaluate him that he is not a saving type of person n he is not good at all for their daughter. n now the woman has oledy married to other guy. n now is also a mother. n he is still mourning all over his love for her. so, because of someone's evaluation of him not able to save money. he buys all those unnecessary items n telling me summore he wanted to show them that he is not saving anything. wat kind of stupid excuses? n every night, he went n drink n gotten china gals to accompany him. n telling me tat he still love me since the first time he saw me. n try to hurt my feelings by helping me memorising how badly my ex had treated me. yes, i mayb unwanted at that moment. but, i realized that our love will never continued to bloom even i beg to be held in his arms once again. cos i noe the fact that he will no longer love me anymore. he had betrayed me everytime, whenever we are together. n all i cud remember was being tears around him. n no matter wat this MR. P is tryin to do, i will never feel desperate eventho i was unwanted by any of the guys now.

now, Mr. P's is the guy, who is terrifying my sleeps during the night. i cant sleep. i keep thinking bout that night. all, i remember was his eyes n his face. the way he looks at u so close. i was very very scared.. n seems like noone able to save me. i sensed that he wanted to kiss me tat night d. oh my?! luckily, he dint. if not, i duno wat will i do? will i shout or push him away like wat i had in my dream. oh my?! i truly cant bear to noe, if i did ever make him angry that night. i feel im too innocent. still innocent.. never again, i promising myself EVER to go out with this type of person once again.. unless, im crazy..

20.03.2011-

B17-03 : 19.03.2011

i have been living in this hostel for almost 3 months now.. n my dad is paying for RM730 a month include the utilities n the services.. being here, i have 7 housemates including myself. meeting their frens who are also staying here too.. i dont have my frens stayin in this building. most of my classmates are staying in the other apartment.

there is a swimming pool where i able to swim. i havent been swimming for years. i dont swim when i was in miri, how do u ever trust the public swimming that we had. i remembered when i was young. i joined swimming lessons for fun together with my primary classmate. n we saw sth brown brown colour floating in the pool.. n u guessed it for urself? haha.. the first time, i swim here. it almost took my breathe away with 1 lap. but, its gettin fun. i able to swim quite a few laps now. n i love watching those adorable little kids learning how to swim. how small n fragile n innocent n so much cuteness within them.. how i wish there are few more ppl like them.. i cannot longer due with evil ppl.. i jus dont noe how?!

n being here, then i realized how lucky i was when im home. i had someone to cook for me to eat. n all of the food that i never want to eat, i ended eating it now. haha.. for instance, oatmeal, kiwi, steam vege, coffee(bit bit).. now, i hardly eaten any rice,meat,fish.. but, all of these foods, doesnt mean i able to eat at outside. jus tat, outside food is expensive n its not worth at all. i feel bad d to used my dad money. summore, he's paying for all my installments. n thats wat stressing me so much.. i guessed noone will understand, because they are not me.

but being here, it oso made me realized that i no longer think bout my sadness anymore. im not sure. but, i dont seem to write any sadness bout my past. n thats good news to myself. but, it doesnt mean im no longer facing sadness. i still will. jus tat, its really a new beginning now. another new chapter to my life without the brought forward of my past. now, i feel like i can write more of happiness. n i like it this way. so, whenever i read thru. i noe i had finally moved on. thank you, time! now, i believe time can really heal. i jus took quite a long time to recover my happiness. haha..

18.03.2011

Seems like its been 2years that i had ignore this blog. i never noe wat i wanted to write. as everytime, all i felt my life is always = to miserable.. its like no improvement at all. to summarise my life, on the year 2008.. i was still working in a very small small audit firm called Hii King Hiong & Co.. In the year end of 2009, i left my job in the end of december 2008 regretfully to work in the hotel called Park City. oosh.. i never felt so much like an inhuman for so long.. eventho, it will be good for me to forget n moved on my life, as i never felt like inhuman for almost 3-4yrs. but, anyway, working at this hotel, my job is like working from 730am until 430pm. i worked there as an audit income. its a job like loan shark which my colleagues named me. i checked their money. everythin which concerns with revenue n money. to be frankly, i only got to leave at 430pm as i had very important things to settle. but most of the time, i always ended up coming home around 10 till 11pm. n so, the next day continue n continue the same routine.. n it had been goin thru months.. in the end, i never get to see the sun but moon n stars. i always got scolded by my dad for coming home late. as, we r like living in the same house. but we hardly dine together n hardly see each other for months.. tats kinda worse..

so in the mid year of 2010., i changed my job to this restaurant called food n tea.. b4 that, i tot of gettin a job in the construction. but, seems like the employer seems to misunderstood me for unable to wait for her job offer.. so, i ended up taking the job in the restaurant n which this company oso really kind of sux. n i hated it after working there few months.. i dont noe wat's wrong with the management.. n i feel so tired n gettin unhappier. n it makes me realised working in a different environment for year 2010 is really sucks.. n i mean way sucks.. i shud have continued working at the audit firm to do more tax.. i have great colleagues, except for my senior who always treated me so badly. n i never noe y till now. i realised this when she seems to found out my background. im not sure why? but, i enter the company as the same procedures without any help of the boss. plus it was her who interviewed me. n i never think this wud be such offence for not exposing myself, which i always prefered myself to be as low profile as ever.. mayb everyone loves to take me for granted. mayb my face says pls bully me. sumtyms its really so sad! to think of i have always gotten bullied.

but, still the year for 2010 is like a magical as i havent been to so many place.. so impossible, as it never happen to me b4.. i went to kk on the month of june. later on, travel to hong kong with efan n his gang which i was actually no longer interest in goin as efan's been keep on delaying n i oledy taken up john's offer to join him to cambodia on the month of january 2011. n i dint really have much leave to take if i go for both of the trips. but, wat do u noe? efan's real good in persuading me to join the trip. telling me this n tat. eventually, i got the approval from my dad n he's ok to sponsor my flight ticket n i'll be bearing all the expenses.. wad do u noe, it was a real good trip. gotten real fat n seeing my tummy all over the pics really make me feel so shamful n wanting to delete it.. haha..i feel so OMG!

as for the trip to cambodia, its nice too.. but, its quite hot n dusty.. the rural placest.. the first time, we reach there.. u believe this immigration ppl ask for pocket money from u.. he asks us to go away n ask my dad for pocket money.. oh my?! wat to do? i heard from the tourguide, the police usually loves to stop the drivers n very automatically, they jus hand the money to them, so they can leave. anyway, there's lots of angkor wat in siem reap. at first, when u saw it. u feel like wow.. but, the second, third time n forth n many more. u will feel like stayin inside the bus n dont feel like goin out. due to goin out, u have to face all the kids around u, begging u to buy all the souvenirs.. even how rich u r.. how do u able to buy all of it rite? so, ended up giving them sweets n food to them.. they will feel so happy n grateful, n u will be creating a santa claus to them. their lives are so so sad n suffer..

at pnom penh, we have to sit on the bus for half day jus to reach the beach.. i always love sight seeing. u cud c the green mountain n the planting. its real rural which u wont able to c in my hometown. but, its also another place that i ate in the restaurant that they cook the soup with the animal's head. u can c the teeth.. it directly make me loss appetite.. n there's the place of the killing field. i dint entered as i cant faced death.. its too tortured for the souls. n i dont have much healthy spirit on me.. my dad n brother n the others went in. it was really sad, if u watched the video.. u really wud cry.. i felt tears on me when my dad told me. i think it may changes his view after watching it.. as u will cherish everyone besides u.

after coming back to my trip.. now Year 2011.. i ended back here in kl. continuing my studies. back to student life.. now looking all the classmates whom are all so young n enjoying. as for me, i did enjoyed once but now i have to seriously finish it. so i can have my stress free back. not stressing all the time..