oh my! i cant sleep last9, after viewing my ex colleague's wedding dinner pictures. really feel so weird to c both of this couple to marry. anyway, jus blessed them, eventho this colleague of mine doesnt deserve to be blessed for wat she had done. but, they seem so happy. n yet i feel slightly jealous n how i wish i can find that smiles too. =) n hoping to b confident in my next relationship. but, there's always a phobia in a relationship. because i cud never able to think positive on my next relationship ever again.
yes, i will always end up admiring happy couples. blessed them. n wishing the same for myself. n wud really think in marrying to the guy that i like, n vice versa. but, this jus wont happened anymore. as, im no longer special. i felt my innocent love was oledy taken away 6 or 7yrs ago. all i felt is unsecured love now. i do not dare to love. but, there's still left a small small love n little hope inside me. but tat doesnt mean i'll go into relationship with the guy that i like either. because, to really love a guy is really a risk. i wud still feel unsecure n how long it will take me to recover once again..
later on, toking bout weddings to efan.. n this guy, oooo.. feels like slapping him d. he starts to remind me like, i was wanted by a guy, but i rejected him.. n i forgotten bout 'him'. n i said who? he starts to give me a hint, as i dont like anyone speaking of his name anymore. he starts writing his named as MR. P? i was like who.. n he started writing bout the dream that i had bout MR. P, few nights ago.. i was bit blur, later on, it hitted me. i end up burst up laughing.. the way he named him as MR P. sounds like mr teddy bear.. haha.. n its definitely very euuu.. cos he never seems to be a teddy bear. but more of a terrifying n a failure. n how cud ever a gal wud fall for him.
y i wud evaluate him like this? for a guy, to be sincere in love. yes, i give him a credit. but, its almost like a decade d. i moved on now, eventho it took me 5yrs. n y cant he? he is always in the same old situations over n over again. drinking, smoking, very big tummy, long hair, gold rings, gold necklace, bracelet. oh my?!
ppl evaluate him that he is not a saving type of person n he is not good at all for their daughter. n now the woman has oledy married to other guy. n now is also a mother. n he is still mourning all over his love for her. so, because of someone's evaluation of him not able to save money. he buys all those unnecessary items n telling me summore he wanted to show them that he is not saving anything. wat kind of stupid excuses? n every night, he went n drink n gotten china gals to accompany him. n telling me tat he still love me since the first time he saw me. n try to hurt my feelings by helping me memorising how badly my ex had treated me. yes, i mayb unwanted at that moment. but, i realized that our love will never continued to bloom even i beg to be held in his arms once again. cos i noe the fact that he will no longer love me anymore. he had betrayed me everytime, whenever we are together. n all i cud remember was being tears around him. n no matter wat this MR. P is tryin to do, i will never feel desperate eventho i was unwanted by any of the guys now.
now, Mr. P's is the guy, who is terrifying my sleeps during the night. i cant sleep. i keep thinking bout that night. all, i remember was his eyes n his face. the way he looks at u so close. i was very very scared.. n seems like noone able to save me. i sensed that he wanted to kiss me tat night d. oh my?! luckily, he dint. if not, i duno wat will i do? will i shout or push him away like wat i had in my dream. oh my?! i truly cant bear to noe, if i did ever make him angry that night. i feel im too innocent. still innocent.. never again, i promising myself EVER to go out with this type of person once again.. unless, im crazy..
20.03.2011-
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