the feelings..

all my life, i never understand the feeling of worrying.. as, i never seem to understand that y my parents always concern bout me. where am i? wat kind of frens that im hanging out with? asking me all sorts of questions which i feel like " pls stop asking me, already! " i tot i always noe wat im doin. but, seems like. no matter how old u have grown, 30, or 40 or 50.. u will never stops become their little babies.

n i finally understands this now. i started to realise this feelings of my parents towards me or my brothers towards me. caring , worrying over u. n because of this, they will scold u. shout at u. n i feel like i no longer feel sad anymore, when they scold me.. n to9 gettin scolded by my dad for my stupid naive that i had.. i feel bad n worried bout my consequences.. n yes, mayb he had loud voice on me to9.. i feel bad but i understand wat is he tryin to tell me.

but, when i later received an sms from him, i was in shocked. cos he wud never admit if he toks bit harsh.. im not sure.. but, he tells me that he dint mean to tok such loud voice me. he is jus tryin to tell me the fact bout my doings is very dangerous n its not secure at all. n i noe he is right. i feel bit touch n wanted to cry. haha.. cos i noe my dad always cared for me the most compared to my brothers.. but, we hardly really communicate too. cos sumtyms, there's jus nth to tok bout. but, mayb my leaving miri is a start to realise the importance of family..

n now being the eldest here.. i noe wat's the feeling of take caring of the ppl u starting to care n worry bout.. haha.. n i starting to remember bout my parents.. n i finally understands now.. haha.. but, all these feelings have to be stop at the moment.. as, if i dont stop.. i think i may go crazy.. i cannot think too much anymore, as i have so many things tat i need to worry. i cannot keep on continuing to worry bout more than i have now.. cos i can feel the burden which is increasing n increasing on me..

but, still i had one incredible breakfast for the day.. my room mate n i take an early walk to pyramid jus to grab Mc D's breakfast at 830am. such an early morning to go to pyramid. cos, we can buy RM5 to get free 2breakfast meals.. eggs, burger, hash brown** yummy yummy!! we have to be fast b4 the queue is very very long.. cos she had an early class. n i had an exam in the noon.. i need to be in the library whole morning.

n finally finishin my 2nd progress test that i had.. eventho, i think i may not do so well. but, i still can feel the hope within me. im sure, i able to do well in the mock exam. as, i will keep on putting more effort until finals.. im not the type so easily give up especially on my studies.. haha. mayb sumtyms, i may jus nag around by simply saying to let go. but, study is study.. study is never give up. if give up, means lose future..

lastly, i feel so bad too. as i cant believe this year.. i seem to forget my family member's birthday.. i never had such a forgetful mind on my family member's birthday. but, this year.. i seem to forget n i need someone's phone call to remind me.. oh dear!! im such a bad daughter, sister..

but, i miss my family as always..

-31.03.2011-

earth hour

today, is oso a day for me to take my time to really swim. as, i havent been swimming for almost a week plus now, since i injured my leg.. n it started to recover. n because i had eaten too much food inside my stomach without burning all the fats for like almost few days now.. summore, today i had my lunch at bout 3 together with my housemates. we went to eat McD?! haha.. i've ordered a double Mc chicken deluxe.. really OMG!! haha.. but, now. i really think. its not worth to even ordered the double burger. it quite expensive.. yeah, it sort of have 2 pieces burger. but, its small size. if, u really made the comparison. the normal Mc chicken deluxe it has bigger size.

that's why, i have to force myself swim.. n i did. i swim 8laps with 35mins.. haha.. it was cool.. swimming is fun, seeing all those cute little kids.. how adorable they are..

anyway, 2hours and half ago.. my housemates n i were switching off our lights.. to enjoy an hour of earth hour. then, we were lighting all our rooms n units with candle lights everywhere.. it was such beautiful n sweet n of course romantic moments too.. that get us thinking of having it another time during mooncake festival.. haha..

then, later around midnight.. the whole building went out of electricity.. im not sure, whether the owner of the building oso wanna play earth hour. n we ended up playing the 2nd time. while this time, its like so worst. cos we wanted to sleep. n it happenned jus like this. summore, there's no wind at all.. sooo hot.. i d oledy went to take 2nd bath.. haha.. but, luckily, the electricity got back jus in time. n we finaaly ZZzzzz... XD

-26.03.2011-

wat a dream?! wat a day?!

in my life, i never dream sth so special.. all my dreams are always being chased by bad ppl, killers, ghosts.. n i have to run away to save my life. n sumtyms, suddenly, my hand was being hold n run together for our lives too.. so, all my life, i have actually been running. but running from who?

but, jus yesterday.. Oh my?! being here for almost 3 months now. mayb because i hardly eat real food.. or mayb i havent truly enjoyed food as compared to last year. as now, i only jus simply eat light meal.. cereal, fruits, biscuit, milo.. of course sumtyms, dinner. i'll cook fried mee hun, or mayb bread. it the cheapest n able to save money too. n i dreamed bout food.. haha.. its like all kinds of food.. C... i told u its special.. i dont believed anyone ever dreamed food b4, except me. haha..

i dreamed a very very popular chef guy who cooks all the wonderful smells n delicious food. n i was there to help him taste the food. or shud i say sort of eating all the food. haha.. i really used my chopsticks eating every of the food. haha.. so yummy. i remember got fried rice, n mayb fish. but, the dream is like so fast. n i cant really remember most of it except im eating..

n the day has come.. i never realised i eat non stop for the day. i woke up n eaten one bowl of oatmeal. later, goin classes.. teacher gave us 15mins break. i felt hungry once again. i go buy 'hot n roll" omg! the cheese n ham, costs RM3.90.. really so tasty n yummy.. i m a food loyalty. once, i loved the food. i will definitely have to eat it at least once a week.. haha.. everytime, i eat this food. i wud have to blame my other classmates. cos she's the one who introduce me the food.. its fattening. they put ham on the savoury paratha/ n cheese, onion, mayonaise.. so. tell me?! haha.. FAT rite? =D but, i loved it.

later on, i had to go back home. as i no longer feel like staying in the school library for the day. as, im tryin to avoid this annoying classmates which i started to hate her.. she's really driving me crazy.. but, it felt so good to be cruel the other day to her.. she's too dramatic.. all, she had given me are problems n its like trying to used u.. anyway, during classes i feel so frustrated when her stupid mobile jus never stops ringing or sms.. she's jus not the person to wanting to study.. n summore, crying n crying.. n i jus dont want to care anymore.. its always her problem with the boyfren.. the boyfren was an arse.. the guy even slaps her, calls her bitch or sluts. u tell me, is that guy worth to be with for the future. i told her, but she doesnt want to listen. so, i dont wanna care anymore. anyway, i cud hear her sniff** for the whole period. she's the person who loves to skip class n critisise the teacher's teaching of not good yet wanting to borrow notes from u n she loves to lie to create stories to get ur sympathise.. she is so smilar to my fren, which i used to hang out when i was in secondary schol.. i cant deal with this type of ppl anymore. tokin bout her increase my angriness.

so, reaching home.. i felt like grabbing sth to eat.. n i think of the mee hun once again.. haha.. i go make simple mee hun. i heaten the mee hun. n i fill bit oil into my plate mix with soy sauce n then i turned the mee hun like kolo mee hun n of course i put some bean sprout. n guessed wat, it turned out to be so delicious.. n i ate that at 4sth.. at 9sth.. my housemate got back, she said she was hungry.. so, i made her another bowl of simple mee hun. sumhow, i feel like eating it. n i made another bowl so, i can shared the food with my other housemates too.. who noes later on, my room mate. she dont want to eat when i made the mee hun. n she starts to nag she's hungry later on. my korean housemate starts to made us fried rice, kim chii.. oh MY?! its very delicious.. haha.. n we ate at 12midnight.. so, now.. i feel like omg!! im FAT. cos i have been eating whole day..

today, waking up in the morning.. it was a beautiful day.. n i guessed i dream sth. but, i cant remember. cos when they ask me bout the date n month. i said isnt now is the month of april.. haha..

what a day?!

-24.03.2011-

terrifying imaginations

oh my! i cant sleep last9, after viewing my ex colleague's wedding dinner pictures. really feel so weird to c both of this couple to marry. anyway, jus blessed them, eventho this colleague of mine doesnt deserve to be blessed for wat she had done. but, they seem so happy. n yet i feel slightly jealous n how i wish i can find that smiles too. =) n hoping to b confident in my next relationship. but, there's always a phobia in a relationship. because i cud never able to think positive on my next relationship ever again.

yes, i will always end up admiring happy couples. blessed them. n wishing the same for myself. n wud really think in marrying to the guy that i like, n vice versa. but, this jus wont happened anymore. as, im no longer special. i felt my innocent love was oledy taken away 6 or 7yrs ago. all i felt is unsecured love now. i do not dare to love. but, there's still left a small small love n little hope inside me. but tat doesnt mean i'll go into relationship with the guy that i like either. because, to really love a guy is really a risk. i wud still feel unsecure n how long it will take me to recover once again..

later on, toking bout weddings to efan.. n this guy, oooo.. feels like slapping him d. he starts to remind me like, i was wanted by a guy, but i rejected him.. n i forgotten bout 'him'. n i said who? he starts to give me a hint, as i dont like anyone speaking of his name anymore. he starts writing his named as MR. P? i was like who.. n he started writing bout the dream that i had bout MR. P, few nights ago.. i was bit blur, later on, it hitted me. i end up burst up laughing.. the way he named him as MR P. sounds like mr teddy bear.. haha.. n its definitely very euuu.. cos he never seems to be a teddy bear. but more of a terrifying n a failure. n how cud ever a gal wud fall for him.

y i wud evaluate him like this? for a guy, to be sincere in love. yes, i give him a credit. but, its almost like a decade d. i moved on now, eventho it took me 5yrs. n y cant he? he is always in the same old situations over n over again. drinking, smoking, very big tummy, long hair, gold rings, gold necklace, bracelet. oh my?!

ppl evaluate him that he is not a saving type of person n he is not good at all for their daughter. n now the woman has oledy married to other guy. n now is also a mother. n he is still mourning all over his love for her. so, because of someone's evaluation of him not able to save money. he buys all those unnecessary items n telling me summore he wanted to show them that he is not saving anything. wat kind of stupid excuses? n every night, he went n drink n gotten china gals to accompany him. n telling me tat he still love me since the first time he saw me. n try to hurt my feelings by helping me memorising how badly my ex had treated me. yes, i mayb unwanted at that moment. but, i realized that our love will never continued to bloom even i beg to be held in his arms once again. cos i noe the fact that he will no longer love me anymore. he had betrayed me everytime, whenever we are together. n all i cud remember was being tears around him. n no matter wat this MR. P is tryin to do, i will never feel desperate eventho i was unwanted by any of the guys now.

now, Mr. P's is the guy, who is terrifying my sleeps during the night. i cant sleep. i keep thinking bout that night. all, i remember was his eyes n his face. the way he looks at u so close. i was very very scared.. n seems like noone able to save me. i sensed that he wanted to kiss me tat night d. oh my?! luckily, he dint. if not, i duno wat will i do? will i shout or push him away like wat i had in my dream. oh my?! i truly cant bear to noe, if i did ever make him angry that night. i feel im too innocent. still innocent.. never again, i promising myself EVER to go out with this type of person once again.. unless, im crazy..

20.03.2011-

B17-03 : 19.03.2011

i have been living in this hostel for almost 3 months now.. n my dad is paying for RM730 a month include the utilities n the services.. being here, i have 7 housemates including myself. meeting their frens who are also staying here too.. i dont have my frens stayin in this building. most of my classmates are staying in the other apartment.

there is a swimming pool where i able to swim. i havent been swimming for years. i dont swim when i was in miri, how do u ever trust the public swimming that we had. i remembered when i was young. i joined swimming lessons for fun together with my primary classmate. n we saw sth brown brown colour floating in the pool.. n u guessed it for urself? haha.. the first time, i swim here. it almost took my breathe away with 1 lap. but, its gettin fun. i able to swim quite a few laps now. n i love watching those adorable little kids learning how to swim. how small n fragile n innocent n so much cuteness within them.. how i wish there are few more ppl like them.. i cannot longer due with evil ppl.. i jus dont noe how?!

n being here, then i realized how lucky i was when im home. i had someone to cook for me to eat. n all of the food that i never want to eat, i ended eating it now. haha.. for instance, oatmeal, kiwi, steam vege, coffee(bit bit).. now, i hardly eaten any rice,meat,fish.. but, all of these foods, doesnt mean i able to eat at outside. jus tat, outside food is expensive n its not worth at all. i feel bad d to used my dad money. summore, he's paying for all my installments. n thats wat stressing me so much.. i guessed noone will understand, because they are not me.

but being here, it oso made me realized that i no longer think bout my sadness anymore. im not sure. but, i dont seem to write any sadness bout my past. n thats good news to myself. but, it doesnt mean im no longer facing sadness. i still will. jus tat, its really a new beginning now. another new chapter to my life without the brought forward of my past. now, i feel like i can write more of happiness. n i like it this way. so, whenever i read thru. i noe i had finally moved on. thank you, time! now, i believe time can really heal. i jus took quite a long time to recover my happiness. haha..

18.03.2011

Seems like its been 2years that i had ignore this blog. i never noe wat i wanted to write. as everytime, all i felt my life is always = to miserable.. its like no improvement at all. to summarise my life, on the year 2008.. i was still working in a very small small audit firm called Hii King Hiong & Co.. In the year end of 2009, i left my job in the end of december 2008 regretfully to work in the hotel called Park City. oosh.. i never felt so much like an inhuman for so long.. eventho, it will be good for me to forget n moved on my life, as i never felt like inhuman for almost 3-4yrs. but, anyway, working at this hotel, my job is like working from 730am until 430pm. i worked there as an audit income. its a job like loan shark which my colleagues named me. i checked their money. everythin which concerns with revenue n money. to be frankly, i only got to leave at 430pm as i had very important things to settle. but most of the time, i always ended up coming home around 10 till 11pm. n so, the next day continue n continue the same routine.. n it had been goin thru months.. in the end, i never get to see the sun but moon n stars. i always got scolded by my dad for coming home late. as, we r like living in the same house. but we hardly dine together n hardly see each other for months.. tats kinda worse..

so in the mid year of 2010., i changed my job to this restaurant called food n tea.. b4 that, i tot of gettin a job in the construction. but, seems like the employer seems to misunderstood me for unable to wait for her job offer.. so, i ended up taking the job in the restaurant n which this company oso really kind of sux. n i hated it after working there few months.. i dont noe wat's wrong with the management.. n i feel so tired n gettin unhappier. n it makes me realised working in a different environment for year 2010 is really sucks.. n i mean way sucks.. i shud have continued working at the audit firm to do more tax.. i have great colleagues, except for my senior who always treated me so badly. n i never noe y till now. i realised this when she seems to found out my background. im not sure why? but, i enter the company as the same procedures without any help of the boss. plus it was her who interviewed me. n i never think this wud be such offence for not exposing myself, which i always prefered myself to be as low profile as ever.. mayb everyone loves to take me for granted. mayb my face says pls bully me. sumtyms its really so sad! to think of i have always gotten bullied.

but, still the year for 2010 is like a magical as i havent been to so many place.. so impossible, as it never happen to me b4.. i went to kk on the month of june. later on, travel to hong kong with efan n his gang which i was actually no longer interest in goin as efan's been keep on delaying n i oledy taken up john's offer to join him to cambodia on the month of january 2011. n i dint really have much leave to take if i go for both of the trips. but, wat do u noe? efan's real good in persuading me to join the trip. telling me this n tat. eventually, i got the approval from my dad n he's ok to sponsor my flight ticket n i'll be bearing all the expenses.. wad do u noe, it was a real good trip. gotten real fat n seeing my tummy all over the pics really make me feel so shamful n wanting to delete it.. haha..i feel so OMG!

as for the trip to cambodia, its nice too.. but, its quite hot n dusty.. the rural placest.. the first time, we reach there.. u believe this immigration ppl ask for pocket money from u.. he asks us to go away n ask my dad for pocket money.. oh my?! wat to do? i heard from the tourguide, the police usually loves to stop the drivers n very automatically, they jus hand the money to them, so they can leave. anyway, there's lots of angkor wat in siem reap. at first, when u saw it. u feel like wow.. but, the second, third time n forth n many more. u will feel like stayin inside the bus n dont feel like goin out. due to goin out, u have to face all the kids around u, begging u to buy all the souvenirs.. even how rich u r.. how do u able to buy all of it rite? so, ended up giving them sweets n food to them.. they will feel so happy n grateful, n u will be creating a santa claus to them. their lives are so so sad n suffer..

at pnom penh, we have to sit on the bus for half day jus to reach the beach.. i always love sight seeing. u cud c the green mountain n the planting. its real rural which u wont able to c in my hometown. but, its also another place that i ate in the restaurant that they cook the soup with the animal's head. u can c the teeth.. it directly make me loss appetite.. n there's the place of the killing field. i dint entered as i cant faced death.. its too tortured for the souls. n i dont have much healthy spirit on me.. my dad n brother n the others went in. it was really sad, if u watched the video.. u really wud cry.. i felt tears on me when my dad told me. i think it may changes his view after watching it.. as u will cherish everyone besides u.

after coming back to my trip.. now Year 2011.. i ended back here in kl. continuing my studies. back to student life.. now looking all the classmates whom are all so young n enjoying. as for me, i did enjoyed once but now i have to seriously finish it. so i can have my stress free back. not stressing all the time..