Year2017

Happy Valentine to myself, Year 2017..

Today is Valentine. N wat is so great bout Valentine. To me, its celebrating with my loves one. N of course hoping another love surprises. As, i believe myself to be a very romantic person. But every year, the expectations getting no more. First valentine of 2014, at least i gotten a handmade rose. Eventho, there's no real flower. Bcos its a surprises. Therefore, its okies. and I remember i was away for at least 2 weeks. I was happy to see him.

Second valentine of 2015, n again. i ask, where is my flowers? REal Flowers are expensive. and he made 2nd roses to add in my valentine pot. 

Third valentine of 2016, which was last year. another handmade rose again. But, being force only, den he bought a bunch of fake flowers of roses to me.

Year End of 2016, was my marriage n wedding to him and thats the only time tat i get to receive two bouquets of flowers from him, which is our wedding registered. and our actual wedding ceremony day it self. 

N this year 2017, Eventho he mention that, this year no more valentine day as we will spend our money to our trip. I was hoping, he still gave me the surprises that i hope. But, in d end there is none. Not, even 1 flower. 

Actually, I tot i can handle the dissapointment well. however, i cant. I still end up crying silently. How i wish, he just be like other guys, other ppl husband. but, he's none the above lists. 

Other ppl husband will buy chocolates for his wife. Other husband will surprise their wife or girlfren with flowers. Other husband will take his wife to fancy restaurant. Even poor husband able to buy a flower for their wife to show his love to him. Our live, not even poor nor rich, I wanted one as well. But, very unfortunate, my life is very very funny. I cannot have it.

To him, its a wasteful of money. To me, its just a love and surprises of i love you. or He doesnt have the heart to even surprises me. Maybe im not so important to him at all. 

Maybe my brother was right.. I havent widen my connection to other people. N now its too late to change. 

Probably, i will just end up like my mother, Our lives will neither be happy nor unhappy. Maybe I just dont have the live of wat i dreamt of. It will just be another life to pass on, move on. In d end, I will jus live a life and it will become forgotten one day. Because there is no memories..... The memories that i had, it was already all stolen away from me and it will probably never ever come back ever again..

亲爱的弟弟。。

时间飞的很快。。 上个月，才说要新年要到了。。也可以一家团圆，也可以和我亲爱的爸爸，妈妈，还有我3个亲爱的弟弟再一起。。想道，也觉得很开心。有可以和弟弟他们再一起了。。

结果，现在新年也要到了初十五。。我也都已经回到基隆波了。。翰林在初十五也回了新加波。翰键明天处十四也回欧洲了。。而现在有剩我最小的弟弟，翰霆就在这个九号回欧洲。。而现在的我又想念弟弟。。

想道，以前我们还小的时候，每天都再一起。玩乐，睡乐，吵架，说笑话，一起吃早餐，午餐，晚餐。。从前，没有觉得要真稀。真的，觉的有点很后悔。因为，大 家长大了，我们都要走不一样的路。要再一起，也觉得很难。。 那天，要离开他们，我的心很不舍得。。就不想和他们分开。。和他们在一起，就是被他们欺负也觉的是快乐，也很幸福。。

逃避

有时候，我在想。我是不是每天在装快乐。事实上，我每天就是那么不快乐。。当我看到人，我很自然就是更他或者她微笑然后再那里听笑话故事然后就可以大笑。。所有的悲伤就不会在想了。也可能会忘记。。

今晚的话题突然让我想起。。他们说我生气就像一各小炮。你们真的认为我是这样的人。。

其实，心里很多伤心的我每次都藏在心里然后就是受不了的情绪表达出来一些的。有些觉得不是很大的问题就没提，然后，也忘了。可是，我忘了吗？就算我说了出来。有多少个人会陪着你，听你的伤心，听你的哭气。。

事实上，有时后我都很少去理任何人对我的想法。因为，我每次都是用我的真心对待每一个人。你的伤心，我了解。你的快乐，我也了解。。你和我分享，我听着。。

真心的朋友又有多少个。假的朋友数的多了。。谁是真的或者假的，我其实都会看得到的。我只是不说吧了。让我有时很不懂的这么做人。。

虽然，真心朋友不多，辛好我有一个好的妈妈。她总是在我最伤心的时候陪着我，让我好过，安慰我。所以，我觉得我也很辛运了。就算，有时不是每一个问题都能决绝的。我也觉得很幸福。 所以，这一位妈妈肯定是我修来的福气。。没有她，我和我的三个弟弟又会变成什么样得人呢？？

我爱你。妈妈！！一辈子，是你的女儿。。荣幸做你的女儿。。

08.11.2011

life is so fragile

i feel at times, im really childish.. y i always end up feeling so sad over things that isnt so material at all.. y i always take such a small things ending up like such a big matter.. i shud try to c things in a more wider view instead looking it like a very very small view.. life isnt bout love, which we all thinks everyday such as waiting for a prince charming or anyone.

life is about love the person we care.. care bout the person that we still can. cherish the person when he or she is still living n breathing the air with us. call the person jus to say Hello. tell the person that to always love n take care of urself. reminded them that to always stay healthy. even, we wont b seeing the person like everyday. but, we will always wish him the best n healthy always..

last9, my mother finally told me that our uncle had jus passed away last monday, 19 september, 2011. eventhough, i cannot seem to remember how he looks like. but, i feel sorry. i was having bad mood of my stupid hair.. somehow, i have been living in this little stupid room once again. that i dint noticed that other stuffs is much more serious.. now, to think bout my grandmother. i realli feel sorry for her.. i feel so sad whenever i think of her suffering like this. i feel like crying whenever i think of it.. she is an old woman now. n to c her sons n daughter to leave this world earlier than her. this is a very very sad sad moment.. i dont noe wat wud really happen to me either to c my loves one to leave me like this.

i jus wished my grandma can be alright.. n all i cud think of.. i wud realli persuade my dad n mum to drive back to sibu after i finished my exam. i do not care whether i feel comfy or not. i jus wanted to c her. i wanted to c whether she is alright.. at least, my mum has the chance to c her n spend some time with her brothers too.. life is too short to wait.. live well n cherish so that we wont live regretly..

-24.09.2011-

心受伤了。。

今天晚上终于遇到他和那个女人。 他说他和一斑朋友一起去看戏。 他跟我说去那边看戏，会让他的心情不好。而且，那边的戏院很老压。他叫我回去看。他的理由就是这样。。而我相信他的话。也随便的让他。 可是，今晚，他看的戏就是在我之前都一经跟他说好了。所以，这个就成为我的理由，生气他了。不想看到他了。不想和他说话了。也取消明天晚上的晚餐。也让我一整个晚上忍着。忍忍了到我回家，也要快乐。到了房间就不能停着哭了。结果，还是要被妈妈发现我的痛苦。我的伤心。我的心有碎了。

我的心又受伤了。。我的心已经很久没那么痛。先在又感觉了。让我又哭了。。为什么？？我已经都关了。关了。。可是为什么还是那么痛。。今晚就让我哭吧。。一直的哭哭吧。。所以，我可以忘记一切。。这次回来就是那么伤心。。哭了，也累了，也倦了，。。放弃。眼睛也黑了。都快变熊猫呢。。所以，要努力所以才对的起你的父母弟弟还有你自己。。

08。09。2011

the returning back to kl

b4 my returning to kl, i was celebrating efan's birthday. its been a long time i help him celebrating. last year, only me n him went to eat. then, think wat join us later. this year, we have dinner at coco with think wat n cindy. omg the best pizza, the best chicken wing, i dont like the steak at all. the meat seems to be so hard n not watery bit at all. therefore, i prefer the side order.. then later, i was in a very hard decision whether to stay or leave, as i cant seem to get any answers from adrian they all whether to meet at where. i was being scolded as the lousiest OC. haha.. then we end up goin to rexbox again.. n i bought an indulgement chocolate cake for efan. i was so nervous. unable to sing. unable to find my voice. unable to find myself comfortable whenever i saw him. i try to calm myself. haha.. i feel like im having my final exam whenever i saw him. so funny.. all those feelings that i had that night, is like facing the final exam. i felt my face is hot. but, anyway.. luckily everyone still having a good time. haha.. the birthday boy directly become so active when he saw them. haha.. b4 that, he was like a dead fish. keep on playing his fb only or msn. haha.. we have fun until 2am. the rest, have fun until overtime. i cant stay any longer. as i have an early flight back to kl once again. n unable to find anyone to pick me up. after being ngam by my parents. i have no choice to make a last minute sms to desmond to pick me up. n luckily, he able to fulfil my favour by delaying his appointment an hour later. n thank god for that.

This morning was my flight back to KL from Miri. leaving Miri at 10am. Thinking that i only able to be back home on the month of August. Thinking that i only can be with my mum n dad on the month of August. addition, listening to the secret garden songs again. wow, i feel sentimental. i feel unbearable to let go. i feel do not want to go back kl. i wanna stay put.. feel so sad. i cry n cry whenever i think bout it.. my tears was running down towards my cheeks. i had to clear it with my hands cos i forgot to take tissue with me. thank god, i brought sunglasses with me, so i can cover my red eye.. haha..

Later, when the plane had fly me up to the sky, i was sitting on the side of the window. it was such a long time ago that i had sit beside a window. n i realised that, i never noticed b4 that how beautiful is the world up there. therefore, i taken some pics on top of the sky, where so many clouds around. as i see, its the
most beautiful beautiful nature beauty that i ever seen. it was blue sky, white clouds with all kinds of different shapes. it sooths me. it was so beautiful. i feel like this is how the heaven muz look a like. it reminds me of the place where Hercules's parents stayed on the heavens. i feel like im somewhere there, where part inside me i can fly around, where i cud seat n where i cud stay.. its jus beautiful..

whenever i went to swim, i always look on top of the skies.. i feel, if i cud able to c it, within it. n wat wud i find? beauties.. so, i always look deep n deeper. i only found it fascinating n pretty. but now, i found it looks like soft white pillow, where i cud lie on it. where i cud sleep so peacefully. where i cud jump around like playground. i jus feel like its the most wonderful place around. n it mayb the most quiet place to rest. haha.. n thats me. i love to look at pretty things. n i love to sleep, love to eat, love to play..







03.07.2011

the 5th day back in miri

today is the 5th day in miri.. n the first gang frens that i had met is adrian they all. n this is all efan's fault.. haha.. but, im glad to c them n of course feeling excitement n scary to c them either. i can felt that night, i feel my hand cannot stop shaking.. n i noe wat's goin on. im scared to c him again, eventho i feel very curious how he had been all these months time. i feel there's a small fate between us, whenever i come back.. he's the first person among all my frens that will bump into me. the last time, i tot i wont be seeing him again during cny.. he's the first guy i bump into when im back in miri, n now.. if isnt efan to make me go for the gathering. he is still the first guy that i bump into.. cos i met him in parkson.. so, is this a small fate..

then, both of my arms now starting to itch.. i think its really the stupid lotion fault.. damn. now i deserve an itch.. my thigh is oso itching but its not worse than both my arms.. another week time, i'll be having my exams soon.. i feel like omg!!! but, still at times i feel like im slacking.. my goodness.. as my hair stops dropping now.. i feel happy d.. u will not know how i feel during in kl. i lose tons of hair everytime.. i feel so scary.. =( n now coming back, i have to buy all sorts of hair tonic to rescue my hair..

anyway, have to force myself go back to study d.. dont think too much oso..


29.05.2011